Question:
How can you tell if someone is bi polar? I have a friend I think is, in fact,
SHE thinks she is, but she does not seem to want to be tested to see if she
has it, and she is very anti-medicine. I am very concerned about her, she'll
sit and laugh over *nothing,* she'll act on impulse, runs around like crazy,
can't keep a job, can't sleep, then gets spells where all she does is sleep.
She thinks it might be ADD, too, but we can't know 'til she actually goes and
gets tested.
Answer:
Your friend
has many of the symptoms my husband has. He cycles between the manic
symptoms and periods of sleeping and/or obsessing. He goes into a sleep
cycle at the same time each month--you can see his face changing (puffy
eyes, etc.) Sometimes the sleep cycle lasts just for a few days and
sometimes it lasts for a month. Lately, he's been in a hypomanic state,
requiring little sleep, acting impulsively, spending money, started
smoking, etc.
It sounds like your friend realizes what is happening but is afraid
to give a real name to it. We found a support group in our area and went
to our first meeting tonight. Someone there had just been diagnosed and
was really afraid. She had been hospitalized and her perception of people
with BP was based on seeing others in crisis at the hospital who were all
getting used to meds and were zoned out. At this meeting, she was amazed
to see all the capable, productive, and fun people who were managing their
illness, able to work and enjoy their families, etc. Maybe your friend wo
could see that people can live (as in LIVE) with this.
After 10 seesaw years of my husband's illness, I have finally pursued
support for myself. I'm finding that the more I listen to what I need,
and the clearer I make it that I'm not his mom, the more willing he seems
to take responsibility for his life. I've also found that reading
everyone's messages on these boards has helped me tremendously. Thank you
everyone for all the insights you've shared. Marti, maybe you could share
these internets with your friend, who might see what meds and therapy and
sharing support have done for others.
I don't know, I'm so afraid I'll upset her or drive her away from me. She's
in AA, like me, and is taking care of herself in that manner, but when people
seem to mention concern to her about her other problems, she seems to get mad
at them or disregard them. I don't know how to make her see that she has a
serious problem going. She's just about to start a nursing program, yet I
don't know she even will be able to stick with it, because she changes her
mind so frequently. Are there other things she can do if she won't take meds? I don't even know
where she could go to get tested, what could I suggest to her?
You can't live her life for her. If you express concern and she
blows you off, then you've done about all that you can do without
running the risk of alienating her entirely.
If you care about her, and she IS bipolar and is NOT in treatment
or taking medication, my advice is to stick close... because sooner
or later, and quite possibly sooner, she's gonna need you badly.
I wish I knew the answers. It's so stressful when you can see failures
coming because the person is in no shape to be starting new careers,
projects, etc. I'm struggling with a spouse who is now talking about
buying a motorcycle--last week it was something else. In his current
state, he has already applied for the license and insurance. A social
worker told me that it isn't healthy for me to guard my words; that if I
think he's wrong or that his behavior is inappropriate, I need to tell him
so, even if he thinks I'm the one who's got a problem.
This is the hardest illness/disability to live with, because the rules
keep changing on you. As a family member, I often feel damned if I do and
damned if I don't. I feel like we have a BP family, because a father
acting outrageously affects everyone at home.
I read the message Barry posted about the 12 things to do when someone
you care about is diagnosed. Some very good points there. I have been
finding myself spending too much time thinking about my spouse's
problems--have found my work and health affected. I'm learning that I
feel better when I focus on the fact that this is the only lifetime I'll
have, and that I need to care about myself, too. For many years, I kept
his illness a secret, which resulted in me isolating myself from others,
becoming anxious and depressed, and feeling ashamed. I was wrong. It's
been liberating to open up to friends--I'm finding a lot of support for
myself and I feel a part of life again. I didn't realize what a hole of
depression I'd dug for myself. Interestingly, my new focus on keeping me
healthy, although it can cause conflicts, seems to be making me much
happier.
Re where testing can be done, try to identify hospitals/clinics in your
area -- around here, there are some that advertise particular strength in
emotional illnesses. Maybe you can tell your friend that, although she
doesn't agree, her friends are concerned that she is exhibiting the kind
of symptoms that people with manic depr have, and that maybe sn e should
go for testing to rule that out. My husband's therapist actually took out
a textbook and read each manic symptom to my husband and asked him to rate
on a 1-10 scale where he was. My husband actually admitted to every
single symptom--rated everything an 8-10--and since then refers to himself
flying at 10,000 feet, 5000 feet, whatever. The therapist took him
through this twice, and although my husband has problems with
self-awareness, he seems much more accepting of what's happening to him.
